One month after whole day AEQ workshop a lot is going on:
Hi Aleš Ernst
I promised to get back to you in a week to tell you how I was doing. I delayed it because I didn't do as well as I could.
But a promise is a promise.
Too many things were happening at that time. When I started working on myself with a help of AEQ after the workshop, I suddenly found myself in abundance of work. I have also made some "interesting" realizations:
- nothing is the way it seems. - I was experiencing so many different emotions during AEQ movements that I didn't know what to do with them. - every day is different, always something new.
My biggest worry was what would be like at work after my time off. Namely, I have an active job, I'm in motion for eight hours, there's almost no sitting down. There are lots of lifting to do, moving stuff around, and lots of opportunities for improper movements and … and more.
First days back I was going from one state to the other in a range of few hours: from morning leisure to getting back to old forms of stiff and tired muscles when I didn't know how to relax them. I was somewhere in between trauma reflex and green light reflex and … it was interesting. And when I'm in pain and stiff I take 10-15 minutes and do the AEQ movements instead of having a snack.
And then a ray of hope. I'm getting agiler in my lower upper body, a greater range of motion, I can easily turn and look back in a car (before I could only do it by turning my neck and even my neck would be so-so). My left leg is much better too, more mobile. The pattern of pain is moving, changing, but that depends on how well I perform an exercise.
Even my trauma reflex was triggered during those movements. A memory of a death in the past and fear of death of the beloved one in the future. Basically, fear was released, an emotion when I was in constant convulsion, stiffness, because of fear of losing a child. Body remembers that energy and it follows you, it's just that we are not aware of it.
We know, but we don't know how. Body doesn't know what is real: it reacts to real as well as an imaginary danger (stress). I can only say the movements I learned in the workshop were releasing longtime constraint (pressure). Crying, tears, gratitude for realization and awareness… Also, that was among the reasons why I couldn't exercise in a relaxed manner. However, I could do the exercises much easier after two episodes, the feeling improved. That doesn't mean I didn't do any mistakes and exercised by force, not at all, but I've been gaining more and more feeling and awareness. Unfortunately (or luckily) I can say that when I do not pay attention to my moves I usually mess up, but the difference is that I know now when I'm crossing the Rubicon.
I'm testing the boundaries; it's like searching the station by turning the button on a radio: a bit to the left, slightly to the right so you can find a clear sound. Sometimes I stumble and want more. I do feel sorry a bit (followed by cursing), but learning new things is a double process: getting to know and forget the old and replace it with the new.
In the end, it's like a beehive in my head. I'm going through the next exercise in my head the entire day so I would be able to repeat it at least somewhat accurately at all. I still feel pain, discomfort, tension after some exercise sometimes (I know, I exaggerated, you don't have to say it out loud) but the feeling is quite different: whereas I didn't know what went wrong before, I certainly know that now – and that is an essential difference for me.
Everything is different. I can't describe it because I'm in a process of changing; because I WANT to remember the past causes so I can erase their consequences in the present.
But there's no use complaining now. It's been more than 35 years since my muscle injury that I've been ignoring, the traumas I didn't even know derived from that injury, long lasting stresses that have been accumulating, years of visiting various specialists that were prescribing me pills and exercises for boosting my muscle strength … I can endure a bit longer. At least now I know why I'm in pain, whereas I didn't know that before.
It's a bit unpleasant when you're trying to thread a needle with thick winter gloves, but AEQ clinical somatics is the one that's taken gloves off my hands and offered me FEELING.
And that's what I do, it's my strength because I WANT and CAN and I WILL do it. Time is not important to me anymore. I do the exercises in the morning before I go to work when I come home and in the evening before I go to bed.
And sometimes I'm just lying and relaxing with breathing. I've also noticed that I don't know how to breathe, so if I spend 10 minutes focusing on breathing before I do the exercise, it becomes quite a different exercise, more straightforward.
Moreover: I've got an opportunity to observe how I do certain things, where and in what way certain patterns turn on for eight hours a day at my job. And I'm correcting them.
This letter I've written to You as an answer is, in fact, my confession to myself, as a letter or as a diary. I did my best to try to tell you how I was doing, and this is what has come out. When one says out loud, or writes down what burdens him, the energy that brings relief is released, a burden is lifted off one's shoulders, the clutter starts disappearing. People are simply carrying too many burdens around. I'm working on getting rid of them.
I believe my other »fellow sufferers« are going through similar situations. Each of them had their own »the way of the Cross«, you too didn't have an easy job when you were looking for a new path. All I can say is that I've discovered lots of things during my quest for pain relief. I devoted my time to reiki therapy, radiesthesy, bioenergy, various techniques that helped, but … it didn't even cross my mind to think about my body, muscles.
I felt like somebody who spent half his life looking for his glasses that were sitting on his nose the entire time. We truly are small in our way of thinking, but such VAST UNIVERSE surrounds us.
So much for now.
And if I stumble on obstacles, I’ll kindly ask for an advice.